Wednesday, October 22, 2014

That Night

These nights weren't uncommon to her. At least not that first year. But now, things were different and she couldn't pinpoint why or how.

To any outsider who knew about her past, this night was just like any other. As much as she tried not to be seduced by him, she always caved in. Was it that she loved him? She didn't think so. But she had never had such strong feelings for anyone. At least that was the way he made her feel. No, the feelings were not love, although they were strong. She was just susceptible, vulnerable. But that did not make her in love. In fact, what she suffered from was a different kind of feeling. She suffered from hatred, pure hatred and a desire to hate him who had stolen her, who had taken away her everything. So as much as he hurt her, she continued to go back. Not because of some sick puppy love as everyone had assumed, but because she enjoyed and loved to hate him.

That was all last year. Afterwards, a silent summer passed. Although she lived so far away, she was still devoted to hating him. She proved this to herself by sneaking hours away from home to see him, to pretend to have fun with him. To please him. This fed her desire to continue to hate him. And she believed she would because that was all she wanted to do.

But something changed in her that summer. And when she came back to live in that town where he resided, she no longer knew how to hate him. And so, he could no longer convince her to late night sleep overs or beer around the campfire because she had no desire to feed herself into that kind of misery anymore. Was it that she was happy? She wasn't sure. Everyone else would probably say so. But she could not. She could not name the feeling that was deep down in her heart. This feeling was not hatred, and so it scared her. She put on a font, pretending to be the way she normally was, and people bought it. Hell, she even began to believe it.

So what happened on the night where her common life, her past life crept back in? Well, you might assume that she caved. But she did not cave. She was too control of the moment for this to be a fall, a cave back onto her past habits. No, on this night she turned to her past for answers. She was tired of not understanding what she was feeling, what her true emotions were. So she went to the one thing that she knew would spark something in her.

To her disbelief, she found nothing. No answers came to her that night. No emotion was sparked while she played out the actions of her former self. But it didn't take her long to realize what it all meant.

She felt nothing. Her heart bore no emotions. Feeling was gone. And she would never feel anything again.

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